Where Was the Support?

While I was in the middle of my separation or what I like to call my non-divorce, divorce I wrote some draft posts and I have decided to go back and post them. This will allow me to see my thought process through this journey and maybe will provide me with some insight into where I'm headed in this new journey. 

Written August 10, 2020

I think everyone just expects or wants me to just roll with it. Just let my family dissolve. Just move on from Joe and that makes me angry. It makes me angry that everyone expects me to just be fine with the demise of my family and relationship and let it all go without a fight. Without a discussion. And that hurts. It makes me so angry.  It makes me angry that not one person stepped forward to offer us help. To offer us guidance. To offer a, "hey, before you just throw this all away, let's take a breath and talk about things". Not ONE person!

But then again, Joe and I were never married so in our families our relationship probably didn't mean anything and wasn't valued or considered even valid. No boy expected us to make it because were we just to the two kids who slept together before marriage and had a kid out of wedlock so we never expected them to make it. I digress. 

However; everyone keeps sending words of encouragement and prayers and quotes and whatever else they think might help. Things like; 

Things happen for a reason ... 

I'm praying for you ...

Betters days will come ...

New beginnings ...

You're better off ...

You'll look back at this and think it was the best thing that ever happened to you ...

Blah, blah, blah. The list goes on and on. I literally have friends and family congratulating me - read that again! They CONGRATULATED ME!!!! On what? The demise of my family, the demise of my relationship to the man I love and call my best friend - does that deserve a congratulations? 

I don't want to hear about new beginnings or how things will be better; I want my damn family back! I want my fiance back! I want my life back! I don't want words of encouragement telling me I'll be okay one day and how everything happens for a reason. I want words of encouragement on how to fight for what you love. Fight for your family because that is what is important. I thought you were supposed to fight for those things. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I've got it all backward. And maybe it all doesn't matter because I was/am the only one fighting. All I know is in my gut and my heart I know I love him and I know our family is supposed to be together. And without him, life just doesn't feel the same. 

I want everyone in our circle - friends, and family, to stand with us - fighting for this to work. Why isn't anybody saying, "we support you, keep fighting for your family if you love each other make it work". Because a part of me does believe he loves me deep down he just doesn't know how to love me. He doesn't know how to love me unconditionally. And maybe that is the sign that says we weren't meant to be together but I see it differently. I see it as we still have work to do - together, as a unit. 

Although we were never married, I was committed to him for life. I didn't need an official wedding to be committed to him, I already was in my heart. I knew I loved him and I never saw myself without him. He was it for me.   

That's why I always preferred small, intimate weddings over the big flashy ones. On average people spend 20-50k on their wedding day, for what? Just to throw a big party for your 200-300 closest friends to get drunk in fancy clothes? To me, the point of a wedding is to commit yourselves to each other in front of your closest family and friends. To vow to love each other for a lifetime.

ur part and to have those in accompaniment make a vow to support your marriage as well. Each one of your guests should be standing there with you taking a vow to help support the couple through good times and bad, and sickness and health. They are there to witnesses the vows and support the couple by being there in tough times to remind the couple why they married each other in the first place. Shouldn't that be the reason why people attend weddings? It shouldn't just be about celebrating; it should be about vowing to show up and support the marriage if needed. 

Think of it this way; imagine you have 200 guests at your wedding, who witnessed you vow to your husband/wife that from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, you will love and cherish them, until death us part. And how sad would it be if not ONE person took that vow to heart and said I will hold this couple accountable to that vow. If we aren't doing that at weddings then what is the point of the wedding! 

If you aren't there to encourage them, if you aren't there to support them, if you aren't there to fight with them then please don't even sit down. Don't go to that wedding. Let that sit for a minute. The next time you are invited to a wedding ask yourself; why you're going, do you support that couple and what are you willing to do for that couple should they need your support?

I just can't wrap my head around it all. Why is it okay to just walk away when things get hard? Why is it okay to walk away and give up on your family? Why would you let your son walk away from his family? Why would you let your son, say, it's too hard and I don't want to put any more effort in? I don't want to try to be a better man. Why would you not shake the crap out of him and tell him he's messing up by walking away.

Maybe when I'm less heartbroken, sad, mad, bitter, and confused; maybe then I will have a better understanding of all of this. Maybe my point of view will change. Maybe then I'll be thankful for all the words of encouragement to move on, to give up, start over, create new beginnings but for now, that's not how I feel. Right now I'm mad and disappointed in everyone who just told us to give up on each other. To give up on our relationship, our family, and to move on.

As always, be kind. 

Peace, love, joy, and happiness. 

- Courtney