I Loved Him First

I know what she sees in you because it's the same person that I fell in love with. She see's a charming, self-confident, intelligent, hard-working, goofball who is outgoing and funny. These are all the things I fell in love with about you. But I also feel that I know you more than anyone else so I also know that it's all a facade and at some point, you will change - the relationship will change. You will rope this woman in and she will fall in love with you and then there will come a point where you start breaking her down to nothing. 

I think the fact that I knew you so well scared you. I think you didn't like that I knew the best, worst and ugly parts of you. Because if I knew those parts of you then that means they existed and you would have had to reflect on them and make changes and that is your worst nightmare. Your worst nightmare is having to admit you are wrong and to have to deal with any of your past traumas. But the reality is until you deal with those past trauma's you will forever be stuck in this unhappy cycle. 

At one point you told me that I missed you because I missed having a real man in life and then in the same breath you said that I missed having sex with you and your penis. Because you equate manliness with the size of your penis and sex but I am here to tell you that is not at all what makes a man. And you have manly qualities about you but you are not a man in my eyes. You are a traumatized coward who walked away from his family, walked away from his commitments because things got too hard and because you didn't want to admit you had any trauma to begin with. To me, that's not being a man. A true man owns up to his mistakes, acknowledges he has past traumas, and is willing to work on his issues to be the best man he can be. Who would be willing to walk to the ends of the earth for not only his child but his partner. A true man wouldn't walk out because it got hard and real and complicated. A real man would have acknowledged that his partner was broken because of the damage he caused and he'd want to fix it. He'd want to get her help - not leave her broken. 

So yeah, I get why this woman loves you. Because I fell in love with the same person. And then that person broke me down until I was nothing. And now I refuse to ever let another human being make me feel like nothing again.  Because I know my value, I know my worth, and I know I am a beautiful person both inside and out. God created me as me for a reason and I truly believe God created me to be a kind and caring person but he also created me to be strong and have self-worth and I will never lose that again. 

So sincerely, congratulations and good luck to you and your new partner. I wish you both all the best. And I hope that you continue to love her and treat her with respect. I hope that this relationship is better than ours was. I hope that she never gets to see or experience the ugliness of you that I have. I hope you love her unconditionally because that's all I ever wanted from you. I all I wanted was to be loved unconditionally by you for who I was; the good, the bad and the ugly.