10.25.2021

Yesterday I went in to get tested for COVID, for what feels like the 100th time. I noticed my sense of smell was almost completely gone. So I texted my son's father to make sure he was on board with keeping our son until I got my test results back and this is the text exchange...

Him: Yes, when are you getting them back

Me: I'm hoping tomorrow or Tuesday but as always, they don't have exact dates for results.

Me: I'd like to give James a call tonight before bed.

Him: We took him to a pumpkin farm today and he slept on the way home and is sleeping now. If he wakes up, I will FaceTime you. 

Me: Yeah it can be later tonight before bed, that's fine. Thanks!

This may seem like a harmless conversation and most people may not see anything wrong with this conversation but after being in an abusive and manipulative relationship with this man for 7.5 years - I will tell you this not just a simple text exchange. This is him trying to control me, the situation and control if or when I see our child - which is unacceptable. Each parent should be able to have access to James whenever they want within reason. 

Also note this exchange occured at 4:30pm on a Sunday. So he was going to let James sleep from the early evening all the way into the next day without waking him up? Without changing him or feeding him? And do you really think James is going to sleep for 12+ hrs, no way! Why would you let him sleep from the afternoon through to the morning, it doesn't even make sense. 

Oh that's right, it does make sense if you just don't want him to FaceTime with me for whatever reason, then it makes sense. It's all just a way for him to try to control, manipulate and keep me from seeing James. 

I truly believe that is his goal.  He is constantly telling me that I'm always trying to keep him from James or James from him, which is absolutely not the case. If I wanted to keep James from him then I would have never agreed to 50/50 custody. I was James's primary caregiver, I would have fought for more custody if I truly wanted to keep James away from his father but I didn't - because that is not my goal. I wanted to do right by James and I know that having his father in his life is super important. 

Anyway, I truly believe that is one of Joe's objectives - to keep James from me or try to prevent me from seeing him. And I just don't get it, why? Why do you choose to be a dick about things. Why can't you just be normal? He could have just said, James is sleeping right now but when he wakes up we'll give you a call. 

I don't need to know you "all" went to the pumpkin patch and I defintely don't need to hear that you aren't going to let him talk to me. Like why does it have to be a situation or why do you have to try to make it difficult. Oh yeah because you are a narcistic ass. It's like this constant battle of him trying to continuously hurt me and make my life miserable by turning everything around on me. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not allowing him to turn things on me. I'm not allowing him to play games anymore. I already know who Joe Christenson is and it isn't pretty. My mind about him will never change. Nobody will ever convince me he's a nice guy. Not after what I've been through with him, not after how he's treated me and continues to treat me. The guy thinks he's more important than me, his time is more vanlueable than mine, that I owe him in some way. As the man that broke me down to nothing - no, I don't think you're a nice guy, no I don't have respect for you, and no we will never be friends. I will never trust you. 

I remember a time when we were together and it was a few months after James was born. At this point, I was doing most of the caring for James. Joe wasn't really helping out nor did I feel like he was really connecting with James. He'd always say, "I'm not a baby person because you can't do anything with them. They are like little blops. I like 'em more when they're older." Sorry, buddy that's not how it works. When you decide to have a baby, you gotta show up from day one. For every stage you need to be there. You don't just get to pick and choose which stages your going to be a part of. 

So anyway, he comes home from work and he's angry. I ask him what's going on and he says, "I'm so sick of everyone telling me to enjoy the time with James now because it goes by so fast. Like I'm not enjoying the time or I don't get it." And I think my response was to help soothe him by saying, oh everyone just says that all the time. I don't think they mean anything by it. But in my gut, I agreed with them, whoever "them" was. I didn't feel like he was helping, I didn't feel like he was enjoying our son, I didn't feel like he was putting effort in to experience him or soak in the stage we were in. He just wanted James to grow up and be grown so he'd have a buddy to go four-wheeling with or whatever. I get it, it's fun to think about all the things you can do with your kid once they're older but I also knew we needed cherish these days with him as a baby. As James is about to turn 3 - I actually miss the baby stage. I think watching him grow from infant to baby was so cool. I am so grateful for that time as a stay-at-home mom for the first year and a half. I really got to experience so many cool things with James. I got to watch him try new foods, I got to teach him how to hold toys, I got to teach him how to sit up and rollover. I got to teach him how to walk, I got to teach him how to say dada and momma. How cool is that?!!! I wouldn't change those days I got to spend with him. Really experience my son. I love teaching him and watching him learn new things - it's exciting. I am so grateful to have really been present. 

I believe that it bothered Joe that someone said that to him because deep down he knew he wasn't present, he wasn't enjoying the moments, he wasn't taking it all in. And now, it's too late. Those days and moments are gone. But lucky for him, he's got a new family and there will be more children for him I'm sure. So maybe he'll learn from his mistakes and he'll do better next time around. For his new girlfriend and potential children, I hope he does. Because boy, if he could have shown up for me and James the way I thought he was going to, we may have had a different story to tell.