I Hate You & I Love You

I am literally torn between wanting/hoping/waiting for things to work back out with him and loving him vs. moving on and hating him.

Were we destined to not be together??? It's like we are perfect for each other and we are soulmates but at the same time, we just can't make it work. I know I'm made for him and he's made for me because when we are together and it's good it's sooo good. And I feel like we get each other, at least I feel like I know him through and through - the good, the bad, the ugly and I still chose to love him. I still chose him every day. Is that a bad thing? Did I lose myself to him? Did I and do I still put him above myself and that's why I can't let him go? Were we both too damaged and could we ever make it work? 

I don't know. I don't think anyone is ever too broken. If that person wants to change I think there is always hope. I think, if a person believes in God, that person has a fighting chance at change and coming back stronger than ever. I wanted to change, I wanted to be better and I wanted to do those things with my partner by my side but that person did not want the same thing. 

Part of me thinks he did love me and that's the part that keeps holding on to him. Part of me thinks maybe he never loved me - maybe he's simply not capable of loving and that's the part of me that wants to let him go. Part of me knows there is a great man under all of it and part me thinks maybe there isn't. Maybe he's just a nasty person who needs to make others (specifically me) feel bad about themselves to make himself feel better. Because honestly, I don't know where this deep-rooted hatred of me comes from. Did he think I couldn't see it or feel it? Maybe that was the whole point of his actions - to make me aware of the hatred he had for me. I'm really not sure and I don't think I'll ever get those answers. 

Do I hold on to him because I love him? Do I hold on to him because like the saying goes, "we want what we can't have"? Am I going crazy trying to get the answers I'll never find. Through this process, I've realized I am someone who needs answers to things in order to process them. I need to be able to make sense of things in order to move on. And I need the person(s) to acknowledge what they've done and feel remorseful in order to forgive. 

I don't have the answers to these questions but I am trying to process it all. I am putting in the work and effort to get to the bottom of some of these answers. I'm working with support groups, therapists, God, and a few trusted friends to find my way. To figure this all out for myself so that I can be healed, be the best person I can be, and move on - whatever moving on may look like. I'm turning to God because I can't possibly walk this journey alone. I need his support and love because otherwise, the weight of it all is too much for me. Part of me feels a little crazy but part of me also knows that's just me having more self-awareness - self-awareness of my feelings and emotions and what they mean. I'm able to have empathy and I see things differently; in ways I wasn't able to see before. 

Part of me thinks he is probably just as confused about things as I am. I think maybe he does love me but he also has this deep hatred towards me and he's confused by that. Or maybe, that's not the case at all. Maybe he truly has moved on and could care less about me. But it's the small things he does that makes me think otherwise - then again, that could be his whole game plan. I think he's looking for another person to give him the feeling of completeness and happiness and unfortunately, he won't find that in anybody. He will only find that by discovering who he is and dealing with his trauma and by finding God. When you realize you can't go through life alone, that you need God's help that is when the burdens are lifted and wholeness, completeness, and true happiness can happen. 

So as I write this I wish I could have these conversations with him. I wish I could let him know I still care, I will always care. I wish I could tell him I'm confused - I love him and I hate him but I'd still chose him. If he walked back in my life and said I love you, I missed you and I want to be with you - I'd tell him okay. Just OKAY. Okay, we will see. I wouldn't take him back. That's not healthy for my well-being. But if he truly meant those words then I would need to see that put into action. I'd need to see significant changes. And don't confuse this as me not loving him for who he is. I do love him for who he - I have loved him in spite of who he is. I just know in my heart that if we were to ever work out we couldn't go back to the way it was. It would have to change - he would have to change. He would have to do the work. He would have to deal with his trauma - alone. And then, we'd have to commit to each other and putting in the work every. Because great relationships don't just happen, they take time and effort every. single. day.! Then maybe - maybe, we'd have a chance. And in my heart of hearts, I  know the chance of all of that happening is damn near close to impossible. 

To him - 

I love you and I always will. I know you better than anyone else, I see the real you. All the bad parts and the ugly parts I've seen it. And I chose to love you anyway. I am confused as hell by your ugly parts - but I am still choosing you. In my heart I never wanted to walk away, I always wanted it to work with you but I can't say the same for you. I don't know if you wanted the same. I don't know if I was the end game for you. Maybe you didn't love me the same way back and you were just too far along in the process so you just stuck it out. If that's the case, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you didn't love me the way I loved you - because it's the worst and best thing to love someone unconditionally and not have them love you unconditionally. 

I know that deep down you can be a wonderful soul but on top of that beautiful soul are layers and layers of hurt, pain, anger and trauma. All I wanted was to uncover all of that. I wanted to get to the good layers that I knew were there. I wanted to get to the beautiful person I think you can be but for some reason you refuse. You want to stay in this state your in because you think it's other people, other things in your life that are causing the pain, anger, hurt, unhappiness but in reality, it is you. It is your fault because you won't allow yourself to even admit you have any flaws or things to change or trauma to deal with. You refuse to acknowledge it and I wanted you to. I was pushing you to do that. We were doing that! In our couples counseling, we were doing that and it was hard. Couples counseling was hard for me too. I hate being held accountable for the things I say, the hurt I've caused, the things I've done. I hate it because that means we have to address the parts we don't like about yourselves and that is hard. You and I aren't perfect people and I think that's part of the reason why we loved each other so much. We bonded over not being perfect people but in the same breath, we started wanting the other person to be perfect. We stopped appreciating each other's impefections. 

I wanted us to go on this growth journey together but I have to do the journey alone. I have to do what is best for me and grow without you and I hope and pray that you will do the same but I fear that you will just cover your wounds with another bandaid in the form of another relationship, spending money, buying things that bring you short-term happiness. And that hurts me too. Don't you want peace and happiness free of material things, free of conditions? If you do then stop and reflect. Sit through the pain, feel it, deal with it. 

I can't make you love me, I can't make you want to be a better man. All I can do is write my thoughts here and then let it lay. Let it lay in the hands of God. God will welcome us with open arms regardless of our sins and our past - he will always forgive us and that is powerful. That feeling and knowing is life-altering. 

As always be kind. 

Peace, love, joy, and happiness

- Courtney