What Does Being Amicable Even Mean?

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While I was in the thick of my separation or what I like to call my "non-divorce, divorce" I wrote some draft posts and I have decided to publish them. This will allow me to my thought process through this journey and maybe it will provide me with some insight into where I'm headed. 


Written August 14, 2020

What the hell is mediation and being amicable anyway? Being amicable in a divorce is a load of shit. Divorce gets messy because one person or both are hurting because there is love and hatred there at the same time. And I don't even know if that will make sense to anyone but it's a real thing. To love someone and have hatred for them at the same time. I was watching a show and it's about women going through different divorces and one of the couples said, "I don't want to live with you but I want to die with you." And if you can understand that statement or have felt that then you know what I'm saying and you know what I'm feeling. 

Being amicable, to me, means that there is no hurt, you're healed, you've moved on, you can be friendly with your ex. To mean it's a load of bullshit. Who wants to be amicable when you're going through a divorce or separation. I don't want to be your friend, we aren't going to be friends. Yeah sure I'll be civil with you and I won't bad mouth you to our kid but I'm not going to be your buddy. We aren't going to friends at the end of this. You were my friend and my partner and that isn't what you wanted so now I have to be 'amicable'; screw that. You walked away. You gave up on us, on me, on you, on our family and now I'm just supposed to move past that and let it go. Just so I can be amicable towards you and we can pretend everything is fine. That I am fine. I'm not fine. And I don't want to be amicable. I don't want to be your friend. You don't get to joke around with me.

So what started this, was my ex and I were texting about my cat because he is currently taking care of her for me while I am getting on my feet and he sent a joking text back saying that he's gonna have to start charging me. So, 90% of me knew he was joking because it read, "I'll have to start charging ya." The word, ya instead of you is what gave it away that is he was joking. But I got mad. I was like whoa buddy, we aren't friends, we aren't on that level where we can joke around. You want to joke around and be friendly - no way. I have enough friends thank you very much. 

I don't want to joke around with you. Fuck you. Fuck you for thinking I'm at that the same level as you are in this process. I'm pissed off and hurt. I am not your friend, we do not joke around. You shattered my heart and my life into a million pieces. You walked away from me and this relationship like I was yesterday's trash and you didn't even blink an eye or shed a tear. Well buddy, that wasn't how it was/is for me. 

You may have moved on and just want me to be your buddy and be amicable and share funny jokes and send nice little texts back and forth but that's not gonna happen. For me there is still hurt and pain and I will never be your friend. We will never be friendly. I will be nice to you in the presence of our child but beyond that, I will NEVER forgive you because you don't deserve my kindness or my forgiveness.

Call up one of your buddies who were always more important than me and joke around with them. Don't joke around with me because there is nothing funny about what has happened to us. There is nothing funny about how I feel. And there will never be anymore laughs shared between us. There will never be anymore shared witty banter or sarcastic comments and comebacks between us. That all went out the window when you didn't want us anymore; when you didn't want me anymore. 

So take your jokes and shove it because I'm not looking for a friendship with you; I was looking for a husband. 

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Peace, Love, Joy, and Happiness


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