10.18.2019

I was going through old documents I have saved on my computer and cleaning house when I came across this old "journal entry". For the millionth time, I had tried to start a journal but the would require me making a routine and sticking to it - which we all know is impossible for me! So by journal entry, I mean this one-off, random expression of my thoughts and feelings back in 2019 prior to our split in July 2020. 

And although I don't remember this particular day or writing these particular words I do remember those feelings. I also vaguely remember the phone conversation with J calling me and then asking on the phone if I would marry him. It felt like it was coming from such a loving place and seemed very sincere and also like...are you ever going to marry me vs. will you marry me.

Reading these words just brings me right back to those same emotions and feelings. I can feel it in my soul and body, it's so surreal. 

Friday, October 18, 2019

Today I have decided to start a journal of some sort in hopes that it will help me deal with the thoughts and emotions that I’m feeling. Life has been rough these last few years, especially this last year or so. I have said that this last year and a half has been the worst year of my life and honestly I’m not even sure if that’s true because I have had some pretty shitty years and life experiences along the way. All I know is that I have been unhappy, sad, and depressed for most of almost two years now. I’m sick of feeling this way so I’m trying to find my way back to things that make me happy which includes working on my relationship, navigating motherhood, and figuring out what I’m supposed to do with my life and why I’m still here. All pretty heavy stuff I know but you gotta start somewhere, right?

Anyway, today I’m feeling tired and a bit down but I’m really going to push myself to get out of the house today and go for a walk to get some fresh air and sunshine. This Wisconsin weather has really been taking a toll on me and it’s only OCTOBER! The skies are grey most days and the sun is nowhere to be found. But today the sun is out so I need to take advantage. When I go for a walk, as hard as it is for me to actually get out the door, I’m always so glad that I do because it always makes me feel better. Unless Max (our dog) is being a pain in the butt then it really doesn’t help and is definitely not relaxing in the least.

There are two things I wanted to talk about today and those would be sex and getting married/being engaged. So yesterday on a phone call with J, he was being super sweet and then he asked if I would marry him. I was thrown off by this and thought he was 100% joking but he was serious. It’s so funny because I was just thinking about this. I was thinking, we have a lot of shit to work through but once we get our shit together I’d love for him to re-propose to me. I know it’s selfish and dramatic and maybe a little high maintenance but it would mean so much to me - a clean slate, a fresh start for us. So when he asked me again if I’d marry him, I got excited because it gave me hope that maybe some love was still there but I also still had a sickness in my stomach saying - getting married is not right, at least not right now. We needed to work our issues out - there was something keeping me from marrying him. Something in my gut was telling me, it’s not right yet, we have more work to do. But there was also a part of me that asked, would it ever be right? Would we ever get it together?

When J proposed to me I didn’t love how he did it and I didn’t really have the best reaction either (all caught on tape by the way). Maybe there’s this fantasy of how a proposal is supposed to go because you see all the videos and grand gestures guys do these days and you’re like - I want that! And if I don’t get that then they don’t love me. Anyway, when Joe proposed there was no talk about how much he loved me and wanted to spend his whole life with me or that I’m the most amazing and beautiful person in the world and he can’t live without me. It was so uneventful, so unspectacular and meaningless. It seemed more like something he needed to do than something he wanted to do because his heart was bursting at the seams for me and he couldn’t live his life without me. And I recall one conversation we had when we were first talking about moving in together I had previously said that I wouldn’t move into a house (as in purchasing a home) with him/or anyone without being married or at least engaged. So that conversation went through my head, wondering was he proposing to me because we were buying a home and he thought that was what he needed to do? Not because he loved me.

I knew the engagement was happening before it happened and I freaked out. I called my friend about it and told her I wasn’t/we weren’t ready to be engaged yet but I said yes anyway. I had this feeling that getting engaged was not the right thing to do. But I got engaged and said yes. There were feelings of uncertainty but knowing that he had talked with my mom and Pete and they gave their blessing it made me feel a little more at ease. Because if they drilled him with questions and they walked away from it giving their blessing then they must not have had any concerns. Even with this feeling of uncertainty, I said yes. I loved him and I do love him and that was enough. We will figure it out - time will ease my uncertainties. We have time.

Now I feel like I am still in the same exact boat. I 100% cannot say I want to marry this man. We have been through a lot and we are in counseling working on our relationship but as of today, I could not marry him. I cannot plan a wedding with this man that I am uncertain loves me for me, will support me through anything, will have my back no matter what will treat me with respect, kindness, and love that I truly deserve and desire. And at this point in the relationship, I can no longer say that I can reciprocate all those things back to him. There has been so much damage, so much hurt, and not enough time and healing has happened yet. Not enough changes have happened to know that a real difference is going to occur. I need to know he loves me unconditionally and just as importantly, I need to know that I love him unconditionally as well. And at this time I’m not sure how I feel anymore. I know I love him on some level but I also know that in my gut something is off, something is missing. The question is do I keep trying to fight for it, keep trying to fix it, keeping waiting for it to get better, or do I walk away. When is it, enough is enough. When do you know when to stop trying, stop fighting, stop waiting. I love him but hate him all at the same time. I want to scream at the top of my lungs - FIX US!!!!! I want to tell him HE needs to change or this will never work! But in my heart of hearts I know he will never change, he doesn’t want to change. 

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Peace, Love, Joy, and Happiness