Courtney's Corner

While I was in the thick of my separation or what I like to call my "non-divorce, divorce" I wrote some draft posts and I have decided to publish them. This will allow me to my thought process through this journey and maybe it will provide me with some insight into where I'm headed.  Written August 14, 2020 What the hell is mediation and being amicable anyway? Being amicable in a divorce is a load of shit. Divorce gets messy because one person or both are hurting because there is love and hatred there at the same time. And I don't even know if that will make sense to anyone but it's a real thing. To love someone and have hatred for them at the same time. I was watching a show and it's about women going through different divorces and one of the couples said, "I don't want to live with you but I want to die with you." And if you can understand that statement or have felt that then you know what I'm saying and you know what I'm feeling.  Bei...

I know what she sees in you because it's the same person that I fell in love with. She see's a charming, self-confident, intelligent, hard-working, goofball who is outgoing and funny. These are all the things I fell in love with about you. But I also feel that I know you more than anyone else so I also know that it's all a facade and at some point, you will change - the relationship will change. You will rope this woman in and she will fall in love with you and then there will come a point where you start breaking her down to nothing.  I think the fact that I knew you so well scared you. I think you didn't like that I knew the best, worst and ugly parts of you. Because if I knew those parts of you then that means they existed and you would have had to reflect on them and make changes and that is your worst nightmare. Your worst nightmare is having to admit you are wrong and to have to deal with any of your past traumas. But the reality is until you deal with those past ...

I am literally torn between wanting/hoping/waiting for things to work back out with him and loving him vs. moving on and hating him. Were we destined to not be together??? It's like we are perfect for each other and we are soulmates but at the same time, we just can't make it work. I know I'm made for him and he's made for me because when we are together and it's good it's sooo good. And I feel like we get each other, at least I feel like I know him through and through - the good, the bad, the ugly and I still chose to love him. I still chose him every day. Is that a bad thing? Did I lose myself to him? Did I and do I still put him above myself and that's why I can't let him go? Were we both too damaged and could we ever make it work?  I don't know. I don't think anyone is ever too broken. If that person wants to change I think there is always hope. I think, if a person believes in God, that person has a fighting chance at change and coming back ...

While I was in the middle of my separation or what I like to call my non-divorce, divorce I wrote some draft posts and I have decided to go back and post them. This will allow me to see my thought process through this journey and maybe will provide me with some insight into where I'm headed in this new journey.  Written August 10, 2020 I think everyone just expects or wants me to just roll with it. Just let my family dissolve. Just move on from Joe and that makes me angry. It makes me angry that everyone expects me to just be fine with the demise of my family and relationship and let it all go without a fight. Without a discussion. And that hurts. It makes me so angry.  It makes me angry that not one person stepped forward to offer us help. To offer us guidance. To offer a, "hey, before you just throw this all away, let's take a breath and talk about things". Not ONE person! But then again, Joe and I were never married so in our families our relationship probably didn...

Since the demise of my engagement, one of the ways I have chosen to deal with that, is to dive headfirst into all things relationships. How to have a successful relationship, what does it take to have a successful relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, what does it take to make and keep a successful relationship, what does being in a committed relationship mean and look like, and the list goes on.  One of the resources that has provided me with great insight and knowledge is, The Gottman Institue. If you have not heard of them or read anything from them I definitely recommend you do so. There is some very valuable information to be read. So, having found all of this new and wonderful information I feel very enlightened and more prepared for the next go-around - if there will ever be a next go-around, and I want to share that information with anyone and everyone. Because there has to be more than just me out there who didn't/doesn't know what it takes to make a relati...