Courtney's Corner

I want to be loved.  I want to be needed. I want to be taken seriously and valued. I don't feel like I'm valued in the work place or that my colleagues take me seriously. I feel like they gloss over me and I feel like they stab me in the back. I am not someone who needs public praise but I am someone when I have a great idea or do 99% of the work on a project, I expect to be recognized. I don't like when other people take credit for what I've done. I don't like when other people take my ideas for their own. And I don't like when I am not included in projects that I've helped build off the ground.  I want to be listened to. I want to feel irreplaceable to someone - like life won't be complete without me.  I want someone to choose me. I want someone to wake up everyday of their life and be like wow, I'm really lucky to have this person in my life.  I am sick of being undervalued and not being taken seriously. I'm sick of not being valued for what I...

Yesterday I went in to get tested for COVID, for what feels like the 100th time. I noticed my sense of smell was almost completely gone. So I texted my son's father to make sure he was on board with keeping our son until I got my test results back and this is the text exchange... Him: Yes, when are you getting them back Me: I'm hoping tomorrow or Tuesday but as always, they don't have exact dates for results. Me: I'd like to give James a call tonight before bed. Him: We took him to a pumpkin farm today and he slept on the way home and is sleeping now. If he wakes up, I will FaceTime you.  Me: Yeah it can be later tonight before bed, that's fine. Thanks! This may seem like a harmless conversation and most people may not see anything wrong with this conversation but after being in an abusive and manipulative relationship with this man for 7.5 years - I will tell you this not just a simple text exchange. This is him trying to control me, the situation and control if or...

I was going through old documents I have saved on my computer and cleaning house when I came across this old "journal entry". For the millionth time, I had tried to start a journal but the would require me making a routine and sticking to it - which we all know is impossible for me! So by journal entry, I mean this one-off, random expression of my thoughts and feelings back in 2019 prior to our split in July 2020.  And although I don't remember this particular day or writing these particular words I do remember those feelings. I also vaguely remember the phone conversation with J calling me and then asking on the phone if I would marry him. It felt like it was coming from such a loving place and seemed very sincere and also like...are you ever going to marry me vs. will you marry me. Reading these words just brings me right back to those same emotions and feelings. I can feel it in my soul and body, it's so surreal.  Friday, October 18, 2019 Today I have decided to st...

I came across this old letter I had written for J but never read it or gave it to him. This letter explains why I went up to my parents resort the weekend of my stepmom's birthday party without him. It explains my frustrations with how things were going and how he was treating me poorly and therefore, ended with the consequence of me uninviting him to my parents. To read this now - it's like it was yesterday. As I read this I am reminded of all the feelings of extreme sadness, hurt, pain, frustration, and anger. I remember not knowing how to fix us but wanting so desperately for things to change. I remember just needing a minute away from him to think about what just happened. I am reminded of the feeling of someone hating me - having this deep deep hatred for me and feeling that feeling and then having the feeling of not being able to breathe because of it. How could someone I love so much have such extreme hatred for me? Where did it come from? Why did he hate me? Why was ...

 "When we expect our partners to be everything for us, we are expecting something of them that they can never become. Each time we hold this expectation in our relationships, we are planting seeds of disappointment and frustration that will bear fruit someday."  -Monique Melton *** Peace, Love, Joy, and Happiness

It's hard to be happy for you when all I wanted was for you to be happy with me. For us to be a happy family.  You have it all, you got what you wanted, you HAVE the happy ending, you won! I'm out of your life and life is better without me now, isn't it? The deadweight in your life is finally gone. The "anchor weighing you down" is finally gone (literal words said to me by you).  The woman you had a child with, the mother of your child, who "brings no value to your life", is finally gone. Again, actual words said to my face by you.  It's know wonder I have a hard time seeing the value of my life. The one person, who was supposed to be my person didn't value me or my life and you fucking said it to my face! Yet, a year after our separation I'm still here trying to figure out my worth. Am I worthy? Is my life worth living for? What is my purpose in life? Who needs me?  So yeah when you're a dick to me I get mad. I get mad as hell because in...

It's coming up on a year that we've been non-divorced-divorced and I'm still knees deep in pain and hurt. I spend most of my days self-reflecting and trying to figure things out like; what is wrong with me, am I a narcissist, is he a narcissist? Am I the one who caused him pain and damaged him? Did I force him to be the way he was the same way I feel like he forced me to be the way I was? Let me just say, it's exhausting. Self-reflecting and navigating your emotions and feelings is hard, exhaustive work. I feel like I am constantly in this ebb and flow of emotions. One second I'm on the path to healing and then something will happen and I will completely unravel. I can experience this every few weeks, days, and even sometimes all within one day. It's this constant never-ending roller coaster and I just want off! Or do I?  Maybe I'm so used to this way of life that I live off of it. I don't know any other normal so I'm constantly holding on to it and ...

Below is the letter I wrote to my ex-fiance about a month after we separated and after spending the week house sitting our home and dog while he was off on vacation. During this week of being in the home that was once mine, I became suicidal at one-point, I cried every day for hours upon hours, I did nothing but sit in my emotions and look at where I was and why what was happening to me, was happening to me. I spent almost every hour of every day researching how to make a relationship work, what makes a successful relationship, etc. I just dove in and tried to consume as much knowledge as I could. I tried to process my emotions and feelings as best as I could. And the end result was a 12 page written letter to my ex-fiance asking him to stay and work on our relationship. I don't regret this week, I don't regret writing this letter and I don't regret reading it to him. Because what I didn't know then that I do know now - is that this letter was the beginning for me. It w...