The Letter
Below is the letter I wrote to my ex-fiance about a month after we separated and after spending the week house sitting our home and dog while he was off on vacation. During this week of being in the home that was once mine, I became suicidal at one-point, I cried every day for hours upon hours, I did nothing but sit in my emotions and look at where I was and why what was happening to me, was happening to me. I spent almost every hour of every day researching how to make a relationship work, what makes a successful relationship, etc. I just dove in and tried to consume as much knowledge as I could. I tried to process my emotions and feelings as best as I could. And the end result was a 12 page written letter to my ex-fiance asking him to stay and work on our relationship. I don't regret this week, I don't regret writing this letter and I don't regret reading it to him. Because what I didn't know then that I do know now - is that this letter was the beginning for me. It was the beginning of a new life and a new journey to myself. I will never apologize for expressing my true feelings and I will never feel bad about having such big emotions. When I love, I love hard. When I give my all to someone or something, I go all in. And one day, I will find someone who will not only be able to "handle" me, they will embrace it and love me even more because I am the way I am. I will use all of this to help me continue to grow and will one day put it to good use when I find a man who is willing to walk that path with me.
Dear J,
I’m not going to lie, this is long … like a small novel, kind of long, but I’ve had time to think about what I want and what makes me happy and I have to get it all out. You can choose to read it or not but I can’t end everything without saying anything. {I ended up reading it to him in person}
We are complicated and messy. And some days we probably even hate each other. Call me crazy or stupid or both but even after everything I still love you because I know deep down you are a good man. I hate the things you've said and done but I still love you.
I also know that it takes two to make it work and if at the end of this you don’t feel the same way about me, I will let you go. To be clear, that's not what I want. I’m not writing this to make you love me or make you want to stay, I’m just writing this because I feel like we have gone so far off the path but I can’t just give up until I know 100% you don't want to work things out.
I think there is a lot of hurt and pain between us but I also know I still have love for you. So with that said, here are some of my complicated thoughts.
How could we have a successful relationship when neither one of us has had a good example of what a solid marriage looks like. Both of our parents have broken relationships and although they found happiness with other people that doesn’t replace the image of our parents together being in a loving and committed relationship growing up. But I refuse to let that be the reason why I can’t have that. I refuse to let that hold me back from having something meaningful, loving, and committed.
I truly believe that you and I don’t even know what it takes to make a relationship work. We don’t know what it takes to make a relationship successful. We were never given those tools, we were never told those things. Yeah, sure we know relationships take work, trust, communication, respect - all of those things. But what really makes it work? Well, it’s the commitment. The commitment to choose your partner every. single. day. through the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s literally putting your relationship first above all else. It’s about making your partner a priority.
And I will be the first one to say, I don’t think I ever really understood those words fully until now. I’ve been overloading my brain through blogs, articles, books, podcasts, webinars, counseling, and even a personal call with a relationship coach - about how to make a relationship work, what it takes, and what it actually means when they say, “a relationship takes work”. I feel like that is the only advice you and I ever received from anybody. “Well relationships take work.” “Just keep working on it.”
Okay, that’s all great but what does that actually mean??!!?
You can’t totally blame us for not having a super successful relationship. I mean we both have our faults and things we need to work on, no doubt; but we weren’t even given the basic fundamentals. And without them, how the hell could we ever make it?!
You wouldn’t know how to run without first learning how to walk, you wouldn’t know how to do trigonometry if you didn’t first learn how to add, you wouldn’t know how to fix a car or build a house without going to school for that and learning the basics. You have to learn the basics to be successful. The same applies to relationships. We have to know the basics and I, for one, don’t even think I knew the basics until I did some research this past week.
I know so silly to be looking this up now but I did and I wanted to share some things with you. Maybe it will help us rebuild something or maybe it won’t. At the very least it may help you build a better relationship with someone else...lord help me try to swallow that statement. Sidenote: to be honest, I don’t want you to find happiness with anybody else, I want you to find it with me. But also if I don’t bring you happiness then so be it, I will love you whether we are together or not.
So I learned that there are 5 love languages and everybody will either have one that speaks to them or a combination of them. And when you don’t know yours or your partners and how to speak in your & their love language then that can cause issues. Because you're talking two different languages.
The 5 Love Languages are:
Words of affirmation: Text them explaining why you appreciate them, write them a poem or compliment them in public.
Quality time: Go for a walk together, watch a film of their choice or go out for coffee, just the two of you.
Receiving gifts: Buy them tickets to an event they’d love, turn a treasured photo into a gift or next time you go food shopping, buy a treat you know they’d like.
Acts of service: Bring them a drink without being asked, cook them dinner or do a job on the to-do list without being prompted.
Physical touch: Hold their hand in public, give them a shoulder massage, or initiate sex.
Do you know what yours are? Do you know what mine are?
I can’t really narrow them down to just one but I think mine are as follows (in order of most important to least)…
Quality Time
Physical Touch
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Receiving Gifts
Here is what I think yours might be but I’m not 100% sure, you’d have to tell me…
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Again, I never knew of these love languages but it makes so much sense! You would think it’s so easy to tell you every day how much I love you and how much I appreciate you but it's hard for me. I don’t know the reason behind that yet but it is. I feel awful that I haven’t been able to give this to you. I truly am. I’m sad I can’t articulate how I feel to you as often as you may need me to. Giving praise or complimenting you isn’t easy for me for some reason and I don’t know if that’s because I didn’t have a good relationship with my father, or because I just assume because you are a man you don’t need that kind of stuff, or if I’m just straight up being bullheaded. All I know is I have been failing in that department and I am sorry. You need to know you are loved and I’m sorry I haven’t been showing up for you in that area.
If words of affirmation isn’t your love language, I want to know. I want to hear about what you need from me - specifics. I don’t even know if we’ve ever really discussed this. Yes, we’ve said things like respect, honesty, trust, those things. But how do I give you those things? How do we show those things to each other in ways that speak to the other person? I feel like we could figure that out together and then we’d be able to be there for each other, show up for each other. The other person would know they are loved because we would have discussed this, we would have the tools to show up for each other. I want to listen to you. I want to show up for you. I want to know what you need from me.
I think we’ve both been wanting a closer connection with each other and we both want to feel loved and appreciated by the other. None of us is perfect and I know we will both fail and let each other down at different times throughout the relationship but I’m hoping we can build a relationship that can withstand those failures/shortcomings/arguments. I’m hoping we could build a relationship with more grace for each other. More forgiveness towards each other.
Yes, we went to counseling...and that was HARD! We were putting in the work. Technically just showing up was putting in the work. Even after going for a few months we still had issues but why did we expect that we were going to fix years of hurt and disconnect in 6 months of counseling!? I wish we would have pushed through. I wish wouldn’t have given up on each other.
I have friends who have a healthy relationship and they have been in counseling for 4 years. They weren’t going every week like us because things had gotten better but they still needed regular counseling to help them through the hard stuff.
I think counseling did do some good for us. Do I think she was the perfect fit for us - no. But I think it did help and we could/should have tried someone else who you felt more comfortable with, someone who wasn’t as religious maybe. The one thing I wish we would have done no matter what - was at the end of every counseling session was a hug. I know I’m not a hugger when I’m mad or sad. I usually just need to be left alone in my thoughts for a bit. But when you do hug me and hold me for longer than I want you to - eventually I let go and love that. I hate it but I love it. I hate that I can’t just embrace it right away but I love that you make me feel better. 99% of the time when we are fighting all I want is for you to hold me until it all melts away. Even if I don’t want it - because deep down under all my walls I want you to do that. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. So that is the one thing I wish we would have done. Hugged at the end of every session. Physically connected (a love language coming through right here - which I didn’t even notice until right this second) because I think we both needed that. Too many times we left there mad at each other.
But with that said, I think we tackled HARD fucking shit in those counseling sessions. And they weren’t always pretty or nice or even resolved at the end of the session but it got us talking about some hard issues. We tackled porn and finances...I think those are a big deal. And there may still be issues there because of past hurts but I feel like we were on the right path. You weren’t watching porn anymore, you were’t masturbating when I was in another room or at the grocery store. And although I was still self-conscious of those things and I hadn’t 100% recovered from that or trusted you 100%...but I was trying. I was trusting in you that you weren’t lying. I was trying to show I trusted you by not asking you every time I was worried maybe you were doing those things because I wasn’t enough or we hadn’t had sex in a while. We were in better shape than when we started counseling. We just needed more time (more grace) to continue to work through those wounds.
And then I went into individual counseling so that I could try to heal and mend those hurts that were there because I wanted to continue to be the best version of myself which in turn would make me be able to be a better partner for you.
I believe you suggested individual counseling because you saw that we had our own traumas to work on as individuals and we couldn’t just resolve everything through couples counseling - that we needed to work on ourselves as well. So I did. I did that because I wanted to be the best version of myself. I did that because I wanted to be able to continue to move forward and grow with you in the relationship. And I feel like I have made progress. You even mentioned it once and that made me feel so good.
I wanted so badly for you to do the same. I wanted so badly for you to want to be the best version of yourself and work on all the traumas so that we could be the couple I know we can be. But I can’t make you want to go to individual counseling. I want us to grow and learn together. I want us to be the amazing couple I know we can be. I want us to do this together. Let's try to make it work. Let's try to have a healthy relationship and let’s not stop until we get there.
Some of the best times in our relationship for me, are when we are working as a team and connecting. When we do something fun like four-wheeling, boating, shooting, going to the farm with James. And when we are working as a team like getting ready for boating, building the garden, patio furniture shopping, doing the finances. I enjoy doing all of those are things with you (OMG the love languages showing through again!).
For boating you always say, we make a good team - we know our roles and it makes it easy. Building the garden you were teaching me and I was learning and spending time with you. I was (I am) really proud of that garden. I want a bigger garden because I want us to tackle it together and spend more time together. I love spending time with you and learning from you. It is also the reason why I like shooting guns; because you were teaching me and I was spending time with you.
Patio furniture shopping went so much more smoothly than rug shopping. And I actually had fun shopping with you. I felt like you were listening to me and what I wanted and you cared. We went to all the stores with the patio sets I wanted to show you and I loved that. Not because I was getting my way, it’s because I put effort into looking for a patio set that I think we’d both like and you truly cared and put the effort in and that meant a lot to me. I’m a complicated woman and I have a hard time making decisions but that day I felt like you let me be me. We saw all the options I wanted to show you … even after we bought the set from Steins. That’s all I wanted with the stupid rug situation. I just wanted to make sure we were buying the right one. I didn’t want to be rushed into buying the wrong thing. I think anytime we’ve held out and waited to buy something it’s always been the right decision. The patio set, the couch (at the time), the tv stand, the leather chair (oh wait, still waiting for the right one), etc.
And then there is the finances/money topic. This has been a hard one - and I still don’t think we completely ever got through this hurdle. But I can tell you, we’ve grown leaps and bounds. You went from someone who would spend and buy things to actually being able to have a conversation with me about purchases. You started paying off debts and saving - you have actually begun enjoying it! You even wanted to pay off MY debts and then did! I was super proud of you. I am proud of you. I am grateful to you too. I think that was one of the kindest things you’ve ever done for me. That and the one time you apologized to me and told me that you were sorry for being mean and that you know I just see the world in rainbows and unicorns and that you loved that about me. Seriously, though paying off my car was and is one of the nicest things you’ve ever done. I love you for that.
I honestly didn't know how to show gratitude to you for that. It was such a big gesture and I had nothing to offer you. I have always wanted to do a grand gesture for you...like secretly get your truck lifted with new tires and rims, or buy you a four-wheeler, or pay for Bartoloatta’s, or buy you a nice fancy watch that doesn’t break! I always wanted to spoil you with grand gestures (I think because it’s important to you - a love language as one would say). But I can’t because I don’t have the money for those things so I try in other small ways...like when I cleaned your car for Valentine’s Day or when I bought you a watch that I could afford and I thought you’d like.
I know that was a huge gesture of love from you. That was your way of showing you loved me and I feel like I didn’t show you or tell you enough how much that meant to me. I’m discovering I’m really bad at this whole showing someone you love them thing. Like when you did it, I knew it was a huge deal but I guess I never really saw it as an act of love until right now. I just saw it as something you wanted to do. God damn it, I’m so stupid sometimes. I’m literally processing this as I type. I should have done more for you to show you I appreciated it but I didn’t/don’t know how.
All I can think of is to say it meant a lot to me and at the time I finally felt like we were on the same page about finances and money...maybe not on the same sentence but at least on the same page. It felt like we were a team. We were tackling the issue/hurdle together. After years of feeling like it was you vs. me, two separate entities when it came to finances and money.
Then you also decided to add me to your bank account and gave me my own debit card. We were a team, it felt amazing. Such a big step and I should have shown more gratitude. I’m really proud of you for doing that and I’m really grateful for that. I’m not sure if that was hard for you or what made you want to do that but just know that it did mean something to me. Again, I didn’t know if I showed enough gratitude and appreciation but it meant a lot to me. I am truly sorry if you didn’t feel appreciated.
I loved seeing you getting excited about saving and paying off debts and thinking about money in a different way than you had. I enjoyed doing that with you. I enjoyed doing the stupid monthly spreadsheet - even if we did fight about it. I enjoyed doing that together. We were spending time together and learning together. Then we just fell off the train with that and I wish we would’ve stuck with it because when we did the finances together I felt close to you. It felt like we were a team. I loved that.
Remember when you thought I was flirting with you through the window? After so much hatred and anger had finally passed, you woke up in a good mood - that’s how I remember it anyway. You woke up and you were nice to me, silly and goofy. I believe you were trying to flirt with me. You were sassy and feisty and that is how you flirt. I knew what you were doing. I also knew that you wanted to be intimate with me...hence the reason for me saying, “go walk it off”, “take a lap”. I knew you were being feisty and sassy because you just wanted to be with me. But I didn’t want to get hurt so I didn’t make any moves. I figured you’d just get past it and you would go on with your day but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the fun, laughing, goofing, and not having any hatred. I enjoyed you again.
Then I made a face at you through the window. Which I had no idea, that was like some sort of signal to you that said, “come and get it.” I suppose on some level I was flirting a little too. I never really did know how to flirt. But anyway, I hopped in the shower and didn’t think much of it. But it’s so funny how that meant something completely different to you. And I’m so glad it did!
It actually reminds me of when we first met and you told the story from your point of view about how I came back to Margaret's apartment after I was going to drive home and I just B-Lined it from my car to Margarets. I had no idea that you were wanting/waiting for me to give you a look - like straight out a movie or something. Honestly, I didn’t even see you - because I was drunk, not because I didn’t like you or want to make out with you.
Anyway, going back to the present. I hopped in the shower and I swear on my grandmother's grave I literally had the thought that for once it would be so hot if Joe got in the shower with me. Then I would know he cares. I would know he still loves me and still thinks I’m hot and want me. I was literally thinking about you making this grand gesture and sweeping me off my feet and then literally seconds later, you did! I’m not kidding this legitimately happened. You got in the shower and said, “I don’t want to break up, I love you, I want us to be together.” This shit is what romance movies are made of!
It was the hottest, most sexy thing you have ever done. I think I panicked a little because I was so surprised and it was unexpected. I usually dislike surprises mainly because I’m not controlling any part of it and I never know how I’m going to react which is usually in the form of crying or panicking but I loved this! I think I panicked - I don’t really remember what I said. But I remember I wanted so badly for you to show me that you cared and that you loved me. To show me that you wanted me. I wanted you so badly. And then you did the most romantic thing I think you’ve ever done for me. I loved you in that moment. I was happy to be in that moment with you.
Then I went home and my grandmother passed and when I came back you were different. You overthought everything. Instead of just focusing on the fact that I wanted you, I loved you, I needed you. Everything else got in the way. I just wanted you to hold me - tight. I wanted you to say, I got you. I love you. I got you, and I’m here. Again the hugs. I guess it's a love language I never knew I needed so much.
You are my safe place, my protector, the one who saves me in a zombie apocalypse or the new-age civil war. You're the one who buys us hard helmets and flapjackets (idk what this stuff is called!) and armor plates. You are the one who taught me how to shoot a gun and overcome that fear. You are supposed to be there. You are supposed to be my person to fight the world with. I want you as my partner. I want you to be the one to take care of me - if and when I need it.
I don’t want to find someone else who can protect me. You are the man for the job. You are the one who is my safe place. No other man can provide that. No other man could have provided for me and James the way you have over the last two years and I don’t want another man to do that. I want you to be the man who provides for us. For our family. You are supposed to be the man of my story, not somebody else. You are my person, you are my family. You and James are MY family and that is all that matters. It’s supposed to be you and me, together.
I think we have come a long way over the years - even through all the mess. I wish we could keep working on it. I feel like I know so much. It’s like when you are feeling stuck and you read a self-help book and you get all this knowledge and you want to do something with it. That’s what is happening. I have all these things that I read that can help us and I want us to try to use them so we can have a healthy relationship not just for James but for us.
I do love you and I know I haven’t always shown it. And there is a list a mile long on how I did not show up for this relationship and I truly believe it's because I didn’t/don't (work in progress) always know how. But through reading, listening, and learning I’ve gained valuable insights and I want us to navigate this together.
I watched a webinar on the basics for a healthy relationship and there was so much good information that I wish you and I would have learned together years ago. These are things that make a relationship work and had we known these things and tried every single day to implement them into our relationship I think we would be in a different place.
I think we would be happier and in a healthier place. I think we did get some valuable tools from the counselor as well and I don’t think we really implemented them. What if we did? We should have. It’s not enough to just go to counseling - doing the actual stuff she asked us to do is “doing the work”. I want us to keep going, keep putting in the work. Let's make the relationship our number one priority. Make our partner a priority. It sounds so stupid and easy but it’s not and that’s why we are where we are. We need to do the weekly meetings - check in with each other, get our schedules linked; we need to connect; we need to do DO THE WORK and eventually, it will get easier.
Basics for a healthy relationship
Making a connection - responding to bids of connection
Are you responding to bids of connection? ….
Example…”babe look at that cool looking car.”
You can either respond positively to the bid connection
“Oh wow, that is cool.” Engage in conversation.
You can respond negatively to the bid connection
No response or not even looking up but saying, oh yeah cool. No engagement in conversation.
The more bids offered and are accepted the more connected you both will feel
The more missed the further down the ladder we go...more opportunities for disconnection
Your awareness of bids and connections allows you to change your behavior and you should see a change in your partner's behavior
Us Against the World … come together when there is trouble and be a united team
Empathy Not Solutions technique
Stand with the other person, empathize and do nothing - don’t offer advice when not needed, don’t fix the problem unless asked. JUST LISTEN.
If you try to fix it without them wanting the help then they still feel alone or they will feel that you aren’t standing with them.
When you can, physically stand next to your partner and say THAT SUCKS.
If we do this with our husband then he will begin to model the same behavior and if he doesn’t enlighten him about this. Let him know what you want.
Turning Conflict Into Connection
There are NO winners in conflict - it isn’t a game to win
Conflict can be used to strengthen a relationship
Gentle startup will usually have a gentle ending - so go gently
You have a teammate, not an opponent
Empathize and switch means: you are silent and genuinely attempting to see things to see from their side.
Once they feel validated and heard then you can switch.
Do not interrupt.
Strengthen your team by listening and empathizing.
It will take practice and commitment.
Bringing Back Your Sex Life
Men and women respond to sex differently.
Sex can be a bandaid
Men usually want to have sex to get emotionally closer
And women need to have an emotional connection to have sex
Shift focus from sex to sexuality ….this means to create a focus on connection rather than the sexual outcome
Meaning just cuddle or hug, or give a message without worrying about what it will lead to
Take the pressure off but still being intimate/physical
Come up with an agreed-upon phrase for rejection that both partners can use. Something you can say when you aren’t in the mood when the other is initiating but that doesn’t hurt anybody, the initiator or the decliner.
The more tests, the more you grow in your relationship
The more you grow, the better sex you will have
The biggest takeaway from all of this for me was, what makes a relationship work?
When you prioritize your partner and put your relationship first...above laundry, above your friends, above work, above other family, even above children. When you put the relationship first and do that every. single. day.; that’s when it will work. It will eventually get easier because it will become a habit and it will just happen more naturally. It will always take work but maybe just not as much.
Maybe you knew all of this already - I don’t know. But for me, I guess it took for us to hit the every most deep rock bottom for me to really understand all of this. Maybe it’s all too late I don’t know. All I know is, I read and learned all this and I had to share it with you. I had to spill it all out.
I’m not always a good communicator, I’m not always a good partner but I want to be. And even with all the bullshit and all the hurt that has happened, I want to grow and learn with you. I want us to learn and grow together. I want us to be the best people we can be both individually and together.
I am sorry I've let you down in different ways. I am so sorry you feel unloved by me. I am sorry you feel unappreciated by me. I need to learn to open my heart to you, I need to learn to love you better, I need to learn to let go of my stubbornness, I need to learn to not let my stress get the best of me, I need to work on managing my anger and yelling, I need to not let my pride get in the way, and I need to learn that only I am responsible for my actions. I am not perfect but I want to keep working on myself and on this relationship with you. I want us to learn and grow together. I want us to have the kind of relationship everyone is like, “I want what they have”, and then we enlighten them with all our relationship wisdom.
We’ve been a part for nearly a month and yes, I have less stress but I don’t feel any happier. I miss you all the time. I missed you when I went to my dad's without you. I missed you even before then - when we would fight in the same house. I miss you when you are not with me both physically and emotionally. I miss you when we are disconnected.
This isn’t going to be easy. This is going to take more than one week, or one month to fix. This will be a lifetime of work together. Do you want me by your side? Do you want me as your partner? Let’s do life together.
It’s going to be messy and hard but if we are committed to each other and making this work then we can do it. If we committed every day to doing better and being better then we can make it work. I know I love you and even if we didn’t have James I know I would still fight for this. You are worth fighting for. Our relationship, no matter how broken right now, is worth fighting for. Our family is worth fighting for.
I know what I need and want. And I want to know what you need and want. I want us to actually sit down and have this conversation and figure out if we can do those things for each other and how we can fulfill those needs and wants because I don’t think we’ve ever really done that.
We’ve been lost for a while and we keep navigating with the lights off. Now that I (we - if you made it this long) have some understanding of what it means when they say, “it takes work for a relationship to work”, I think we have a fighting chance. If we recommit to each other and we commit to putting in work every day and making the relationship and our partner the priority, I think we have a chance.
I know I cannot make you love me, I cannot make you want to be with me, I cannot make you want to go to individual counseling, I cannot make you want to grow and be the best version of yourself, I cannot make you want to work on this relationship. You have to want all those things. If you don’t want the same, if I don’t make you happy, if you don’t see a future with me, or you don’t want to make the changes; And if that is not the path you want to be on or go down and it’s not in the works for you and I - then I guess I will have let you go. But I needed to get this all out. I had to make myself clear. So if this is not the path you want to be on and you don’t want to keep trying to navigate life with me, then I will let go.
And obviously, he didn't want to be together which crushed me. And still, 10 months later I'm still processing, learning, growing, grieving, etc. Going through a divorce is truly like grieving a death. My old self died, my future life died, my family died, my dreams/hopes died, my future husband died. There is no time frame on grief or how one will process it all so just be kind, patient and show yourself grace if you are going through a divorce. It's not easy.
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Peace, Love, Joy, and Happiness
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