8.12.2021

It's hard to be happy for you when all I wanted was for you to be happy with me. For us to be a happy family. 

You have it all, you got what you wanted, you HAVE the happy ending, you won! I'm out of your life and life is better without me now, isn't it? The deadweight in your life is finally gone. The "anchor weighing you down" is finally gone (literal words said to me by you). 

The woman you had a child with, the mother of your child, who "brings no value to your life", is finally gone. Again, actual words said to my face by you. 

It's know wonder I have a hard time seeing the value of my life. The one person, who was supposed to be my person didn't value me or my life and you fucking said it to my face!

Yet, a year after our separation I'm still here trying to figure out my worth. Am I worthy? Is my life worth living for? What is my purpose in life? Who needs me? 

So yeah when you're a dick to me I get mad. I get mad as hell because in my eyes you won. You broke me so I felt like I was nothing and then you left and you make me feel like it's all my fault. You make me feel like I am crazy, I'm a bitch. But you won - you got the house, the dog, the new beautiful wife, the complete and happy family you always wanted. You have a stable job that makes you a lot of money so you can buy all the things you've ever wanted and you can go on all the trips you ever wanted. It must be so nice. 

So why do you keep punishing me? Why do you keep making things difficult for me? Why do you keep lashing out at me as if you are are mad at ME!? You won, you walked away - and unscathed. I was left broken and with actual physical bruises. You had peace of mind. It was like taking out the trash for you as if a weight was lifted off your shoulders. Your life wasn't uprooted and turned upside down. No, that was mine and James's life. It took you all but two months to completely move on and remove every trace of me from your life. Yet, I still feel like I'm the one being punished. You act as if you are mad at ME! For what?! You left! You got everything! You won! You have it all, so just leave me alone. Let me try to get to some level of happiness. Let me experience at least an ounce of what you have. You wanted nothing to do with me. You walked away, you chose to not choose me so let me go. Stop punishing me for choices YOU made. 

Everything I do, I do because I believe it is in James's best interest. It isn't about YOU. I don't do things to make your life more difficult, to hurt you, or to stick it to ya because at the end of the day that mindset will never be in our sons best interest. James will never benefit from that sort of mindset. And as much as I don't want our to grow up like you or be hurt by you; as much as I want to tell him how much of shitty person you are and how absuive you are, I can't. I won't. Becasue it's in his best interest to have his dad in his life and I cannot let my personal feelings and experiences with you affect his feelings and experiences with you. So as much as I want to stick it to you and do things to hurt you so you can feel an ounce of the pain that I feel every day - I don't. I consistently ask God for the strength to get through this, to help me navigate this world where I have to see the person I loved most but was also abusive to me both physically and mentally. Facing you on a weekly bases is tourcher. Facing the person who has abused you and tries to still manuipulate you is one of the hardest things I have ever done. 

Unless you have been abused in anyway and then have had to face that person, you will never know, you will never understand how it feels. 

I have to look at the face of someone I would have given my life for. Someone I fought so hard for but for what?! Why did I fight for someone and something that meant so little to the other person. How could I fall so deep and so hard for someone who thought so little of me? Someone who could only love me if all the conditions were just right?

Some days I wish you would have cheated on me. I wish you would have just hit me in the face that night - like we both know you wanted to. Because then, I could at least make sense of it all. I could understand what the hell happened to me. You cheated, I left. You beat me, I left. Hidden abuse is so much more complicated than that. I could explain the other scenerios to others. I could make sense of it myself. But this hidden abuse - the mental and psychological abuse, I can't wrap my head around it. I can't make sense of it because I don't understand people like you. 

Now as I navigate through this healing journey and try to put the pieces of my life together and make sense of what the hell happened to me for the last 7.5 years - I have to continue to see your face weekly. I have to interact with you and be civil with you. Even though you were the person who broke me. The person who made me feel worthless as a human being. Even as I type these words it makes my stomach churn, it makes me sick and it makes me mad as hell. So no, I can't be happy for you that you've found happiness and peace. No I can't forgive you yet. No I can't seem to stop being mad at you. But in the same breath I can't seem to move on. I can't stop thinking of you. I can't stop wishing you'd come back and be the man I always wanted you to be. The man you seem to be now with Ellen - that's all I wanted. I just wanted to feel cherished and like a priority to you. I wanted to be respected and seen as your equal. I wanted to make you happy. I wanted you to be the man you seem to be now. 

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Peace, Love, Joy, and Happiness