7.6.2020

I came across this old letter I had written for J but never read it or gave it to him. This letter explains why I went up to my parents resort the weekend of my stepmom's birthday party without him. It explains my frustrations with how things were going and how he was treating me poorly and therefore, ended with the consequence of me uninviting him to my parents.

To read this now - it's like it was yesterday. As I read this I am reminded of all the feelings of extreme sadness, hurt, pain, frustration, and anger. I remember not knowing how to fix us but wanting so desperately for things to change. I remember just needing a minute away from him to think about what just happened. I am reminded of the feeling of someone hating me - having this deep deep hatred for me and feeling that feeling and then having the feeling of not being able to breathe because of it. How could someone I love so much have such extreme hatred for me? Where did it come from? Why did he hate me? Why was he so cruel to me?

As I read this I am reminded more than ever that this man that I thought was the one for me, the person of my dreams, and the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with - was NOT! It's so clear to me now that he was not the one for me. He did not cherish me, he did not love me, he wasn't even nice to me on a basic human level! He despised me. And I am so thankful for coming across this letter as a gentle reminder. I am so grateful for my new life. I am grateful to be out of that toxic and damaging relationship because it was slowly killing me. I am grateful for where I am and who I have become. And I am so damn proud of myself! I am proud of the mother I am for our son. I am proud of the home I have built for James and I. I am proud of the life I am building for us. And I could not have been those things while being in that relationship, so thank you, J. Thank you, for not wanting to work it out. Thank you for not wanting me back. Thank you for not wanting to change or grow as a person. Thank you for continuing to be who you are. It has shown me I deserve so much more.

Leaving you was the best decision I ever made and I could not be more happy and grateful for my life, where I am, and who I've become.

7.6.2020

The reason I did not have you come with me this past weekend was because of how you talked to me last week. It was super hurtful and damaging. After you said I was "like an anchor that was weighing you down" I didn’t feel like it was acceptable to have you come to a family function and then pretend that those words didn’t hurt me and affect me.

I totally understand where your frustration was coming from because I didn’t get the specific information you wanted for the ATV trip. However; the way you acted and spoke to me was completely unacceptable. At no point in time did I do anything legally, morally, or ethically wrong in that scenario and it definitely didn't warrant the verbal abuse I received from you.

I am not your assistant, I am not a doormat - I am your partner, I am your fiance, I am the mother of your child and I deserve to be treated with respect. If you were not happy with what I was bringing to the table then you should have been able to discuss that with me as an adult in a calm and rational manner.

When we talked about the ATV trip that night I knew I didn’t have the exact information you were looking for but I thought what I was bringing to the table was good information and I just figured we could figure out the specific trip together (lodging, route, etc.). I wanted your input and I wanted to review what I came up with together. If you were having a bad day from work then you could have just said it'd be better to review it another time when you were less stressed out or in a better mood. I did absolutely nothing wrong and again, did not deserve the verbal abuse I endured from you.

I try to do the best I can and help you out as much as I can with things that you ask for help with such as; looking for landscapers, helping with meeting with the concrete guy, helping with getting the parts for the patio set, paying for the dog fee/license for Max, and those are just things that are off the top of my head. Most of the time when you ask me to do something in a polite and respectful manner I do it. So to say that I am "unreliable" and "don’t help out with anything" is not a true statement and really hurt my feelings.

Then after enduring your yelling, you took it a step further and said I am like an anchor weighing you down. That broke me. That hurt so deep.

Then even after all of that, I sat there in the kitchen on my computer and you continued to shout at me. Then I snapped - I started shouting, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. You had hit my breaking point and I completely shut down. I know I should have left the room at that moment but for some reason, I didn’t, I was frozen there at my computer shouting fuck you! And at that point, I felt like I lost again. I let you get the best of me and I snapped. I snapped into a person I wasn't. My fight or flight reflex kicked in and I stayed put and just shouted to get you to stop attacking me.

Eventually, I got up and left the room but I ended up feeling bad. I was the one to come and apologize to you! The next day I sat down and apologized for saying "fuck you" because I know that is not the person I want to be. I don’t want to talk like that. That is hurtful and I know only I am responsible for my words and actions. I wish I would have acted/handled the situation in a more mature manner.

At some point in the conversation I tried to get through to you on a level you would understand and I said, "you wouldn't have spoken to Ben in that manner so why did you speak to me like that? Why didn't you call Ben and scream at him and tell him he was unreliable and worthless - because you asked us to get you the same exact information and did he get you the information? No. So why is it okay to talk to me like that when you wouldn't speak to your friend like that?" And you had no response because you knew I was right. So then I thought it was appropriate to then ask for an apology from you to which you responded, “apologize for what?” So again, that led to voices being raised and yelling which led us nowhere and ultimately to my decision to not have you come to my parents for the weekend.

If you couldn't even apologize for the verbal abuse you just put me through the night before, in my eyes, you didn't belong at my parent's house.

From the time that you said you didn't want to break up and you wanted to try to make it work until now was your opportunity to see what you needed to change in order for this relationship to work. I have not seen you put effort into changing any of your behavior or how you act. I have not seen you try to grow as a person or do better. You have not learned to manage your anger, you have not learned to speak kindly to me, you have not learned how to treat me with kindness and respect (even when you're angry!). You have not sought out individual therapy - even when that was YOUR idea!

I cannot make you do those things. I cannot make you want to do better and to be better to make this relationship & family work. I want those things for you. I want so badly for you to want those things but I cannot make you want those things. Only you can want those things for yourself. I can only worry about myself and continue to grow and better myself and I just hope that you will want to do the same so we can do better as a couple, as a family.

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Peace, Love, Joy, and Happiness