Holding Men Accountable

Today I'm going to talk about an experience that happened a while back - Saturday, May 23, 2020 to be exact. 

My ex-fiance had decided he wanted to have some friends over for a party during the early stages of the 2020 pandemic (we were not on the same page about the pandemic but that's a whole other story in itself!). Being, that everything with the pandemic was still relatively new I had genuine concerns about having people in our home and the safety and wellbeing of our son. I didn't want people from outside our home, coming into our home and potentially putting my family at risk of COVID-19 so I had to set some ground rules - if he was going to have the party all guests had to stay outside or in the garage. He agreed to follow this and we continued with the party. 

Sidenote; we were barely talking at this point because this was after I said I wanted a break, then he said he didn't want to lose me and he wanted to work on things, then my grandmother passed, then he didn't attend the funeral and he changed his mind and he didn't want to be together anymore, so we were in a real limbo. We weren't talking and I didn't even know if we were together or not. So when party day rolled around I decided I was actually going to have some fun. And I was secretly hoping that the party would lighten things up between him and I and we'd work it out. I wanted my fiance back. To be honest, all that in limbo shit was giving me anxiety and all I really wanted was for us to work things out and have my guy back! 

So there we were outside in the garage having a wonderful time. I really enjoyed myself. I think part of it had to do with me coming off the depression of my grandmother's passing and all the stress with the ex - it was so refreshing to be around other people, have good conversation, laughs and have an all-around good time. 

For the first time in our 6.5 year relationship, I had some really great conversations with some of his friends (some of whom I never really talked to) and that's one of the things I will remember most about that night. The good conversations I had and how good it felt to be able to have real, meaningful conversations with people who were important to my fiance and, therefore; going to be in our lives forever - if only I could see into the future. These conversations were so good that it changed my mind about these individuals; who over the last six years I never really had a single meaningful conversation with. For that night and those conversations, I am grateful. 

Everything was going really well throughout the night. Everyone seemed to be having a good time and enjoying themselves. I don't think anybody even noticed the tension between my ex-fiance and I. No matter how much I tried to get his attention I don't think he ever really looked at me at all during that party. So instead of focusing on that and letting it ruin my night I dove into conversations with others and found myself having a great time anyway. In the back of my head though, all I wanted was for him to look at me, apologize for the things that he said to hurt me earlier in the day, and to hold me in his arms. Man, I loved those arms! There was nothing better than a hug from him. I always felt so safe and secure in his arms - like he could save me and protect me from anything. Yeah sure, I fought those hugs sometimes - because I'm stubborn like that, but if he held me long enough I'd eventually cave and surrender to his hug. 

Anyway, this isn't about that. It's about how I was surrounded by people I thought of as friends and how one person overstepped their boundary as a friend and touched me in an inappropriate way. I'm here to talk about that. Now, I thought this person was a good person but my opinion of this individual has changed. And it's not even because of what they did necessarily as much as it is about his response to the situation. 

What happened that night was, we were all hanging out in the garage and per usual I believe I was the only girl left. Not a big deal, I get along with most men and truly enjoy hangin' with the guys. What happens is, I think men forget that even when a girl can "hang with the guys" she still needs to be treated like a lady and this was one of those situations where a line was crossed and had this person had respect for me in general and treated me like a lady; I fully believe this never would have happened. Now, alcohol was a factor and I do believe this is why this particular man did what he did but I am also a firm believer that alcohol cannot be an excuse for your actions and you still need to take accountability for your actions/words - even if you are drunk and don't remember. 

I was standing by a good friend and he was sitting in a chair. To be honest, I don't even remember the context of the conversation happening or why he did what he did but he decided to stick his hand between my legs and do a back and forth motion in between my upper thighs. I'm not sure what it means or if it has a meaning or why he did that but it happened and I was shocked. I literally froze for a mill-a-second and then I took a step away and pushed his hand away, all while still smiling (I think) and continuing with the party. I don't think anybody noticed how uncomfortable I was and I'm not even sure how many people noticed it at all. But in that second or two that it took for that to happen, I felt violated, disrespected, and embarrassed. I looked at my ex-fiance, hoping for some sort of signal that he saw it and he knew I needed him. I wanted support, backup, any sort of acknowledgment of what just happened and that I was okay because he'd handle it, he'd protect me, he'd defend my honor, he'd tell his friend that wasn't cool and disrespectful. But when I looked at my ex-fiance there was nothing. He did nothing. I didn't even know if he saw it or if he chose not to look at me on purpose. Either way, I was alone. 

Later that evening after everyone had gone and we finally called it a night I drunkenly brought it up to my ex-fiance. I sobbed while I told him. I sobbed because I felt like he was supposed to be there for me; he was my fiance after all. He was supposed to be the man to defend me, keep me safe. He was supposed to be the one to confront this person and make it known what happened was wrong. But that never happened. He asked me if I wanted him to say something the next day to his friend but I didn't want him to ask me if I wanted him to say something! I was in tears (and I believe shouting at this point). I had just spilled my guts out about how it made me feel and how inappropriate it was and he needed me to tell him what to do! I remember when we first started dating and if I told my ex-fiance a guy even looked at me the wrong way he was ready to kick their ass. Now, I just had someone physically touch me inappropriately in our own home and my protector was nowhere to be found. 

Fast forward to 8 months later and I'm just addressing the situation now AND I'm doing it on my own. Looking back at this situation there are few problems I see; one, I had unrealistic expectations of my ex-fiance; and two, I should have handled it much sooner than I did but to call someone out who has physically touched you inappropriately is harder than it sounds, especially if that person is a friend or a known acquaintance. 

Instead of putting so much pressure on my ex-fiance and wanting him to be my savior and protector, I wish I would have been strong enough and brave enough to be my own savior and protector. I wish I would have handled the situation right then and there or at least the next morning. I should have addressed the situation sooner but again until you are in one of those uncomfortable situations you will never know how you will react or how long it will take you to feel brave enough to address the situation. And not only address the situation but confront the person who disrespected you. 

For me, it took 8 long months. Finally this week I was feeling strong enough and brave enough to call out this individual and I must say there is a little bit of peace but there is no justice and there never will be. So now I need to focus on letting go and moving forward. I said my piece and quite frankly, I wasn't all that shocked by his response but I was definitely disappointed. More so than I thought I would. Mainly because I always thought this person to be an upstanding person and a good man but at the end of the day his response was plain, basic, bullshit, and totally unremorseful. 

I had reached out to this individual about helping out and after he politely declined as was expected because my ex and I are no longer together and he is one of his closest friends - I saw an opportunity to say my peace.

Here is what I wrote;

...I also wanted to get something off my chest that should have been addressed months ago. But the last time I saw you, was at --'s house when we had that party in the garage. And I'm sure you don't remember but you did something inappropriate to me and it really upset me. I should have said something right then and there but I didn't know how to handle it b/c I knew you were drunk. But it made me very uncomfortable. I know it is well beyond the incident but I'm working on moving past things and this is one of those situations for me. I feel I needed to at least tell you how it made me feel so that you know it was super inappropriate and hopefully you don't do it again. I still think great things of you but your actions crossed a line for me. And I do apologize that this is out of nowhere. I'm just trying to work on myself and part of that is dealing with past hurts. 

And here is his response;

"Well I apologize for whatever happened but I have no recollection of this incident. I'm glad you're moving on from things in the past. That's a difficult thing to do, but it's the best."

Again, I repeat this response is nothing short of being plain, basic, bullshit, and totally unremorseful. "Well I apologize for whatever happened BUT...". BUTTTTTTT!!!!! Are you fricking kidding me! You put a BUT in this half-assed apology! All I heard when I read that, was someone who is not remorseful for the pain, shame, uncomfortableness, and disrespect they caused me. This person is apologizing because it's the only thing they can say without being an asshole. If someone told me I did something inappropriate to them I would have followed that up with, "Oh my gosh I am so sorry for what I did! I do not recall what I did but I am truly sorry." I would have inquired about what I did when I was drunk so that I would know exactly what I did and to make sure I don't do it again. I would have asked what I did to cause such an uncomfortableness for someone to feel the need to reach out to me 8 months later because they are trying to move past the hurt! 

And then to also say it's for the best that I move on from things in the past! You have got to be kidding me. Like I said; there is some peace. Peace in that I spoke my truth but man, oh man there will forever be a piece of no peace because there was no remorse on this individual's apology and there is no justice for how this person made me feel. 

I know this is not coming from the best part of my soul but sometimes I wish that just for a second or two men/boys/guys would experience what it's like to be a woman and have someone touch you inappropriately, look at you sexually when not wanted, send you inappropriate photos unasked, cat-call you or slut-shame you for what you wear. I wish they could feel that moment of scared, powerlessness, disrespect, shamefulness, uncomfortableness because then maybe they'd stop. Maybe they'd understand how we women feel in those moments and why it takes some women over 20 years to speak up (if they even ever do) about rape or an assault. For goodness sake, it took me 8 months to call-out a guy who put his hand in between my thighs without my permission! 

Maybe if someone touched him near his privates when he didn't want it, he'd get the f***ing picture. Maybe then, he'd understand why his apology just falls on deaf ears. I cannot for one second believe this man is truly sorry for anything. He doesn't even know what he did and he didn't even want to know what he did - because he does not care what he did! 

And my last point on this whole incident - is don't EVER use being drunk or alcohol as an excuse for being a shitty person. You did or said what you did while you were drunk but your actions/words still have consequences. I am saying this from my own past experiences and someone who used being drunk as an excuse far too many times to count. Own up to your shit and if you can't be a decent person when you drink then you probably shouldn't be drinking in the first place. Because as my late grandmother, Karen Ruesch would say; "nothing good can ever come from drinking". Now, as an adult, I truly see what she meant and I would have to agree with her.

Always be kind. 

Peace, love, joy, and happiness. 

- Courtney