Courtney's Corner

I was going through old documents I have saved on my computer and cleaning house when I came across this old "journal entry". For the millionth time, I had tried to start a journal but the would require me making a routine and sticking to it - which we all know is impossible for me! So by journal entry, I mean this one-off, random expression of my thoughts and feelings back in 2019 prior to our split in July 2020.  And although I don't remember this particular day or writing these particular words I do remember those feelings. I also vaguely remember the phone conversation with J calling me and then asking on the phone if I would marry him. It felt like it was coming from such a loving place and seemed very sincere and also like...are you ever going to marry me vs. will you marry me. Reading these words just brings me right back to those same emotions and feelings. I can feel it in my soul and body, it's so surreal.  Friday, October 18, 2019 Today I have decided to st...

I came across this old letter I had written for J but never read it or gave it to him. This letter explains why I went up to my parents resort the weekend of my stepmom's birthday party without him. It explains my frustrations with how things were going and how he was treating me poorly and therefore, ended with the consequence of me uninviting him to my parents. To read this now - it's like it was yesterday. As I read this I am reminded of all the feelings of extreme sadness, hurt, pain, frustration, and anger. I remember not knowing how to fix us but wanting so desperately for things to change. I remember just needing a minute away from him to think about what just happened. I am reminded of the feeling of someone hating me - having this deep deep hatred for me and feeling that feeling and then having the feeling of not being able to breathe because of it. How could someone I love so much have such extreme hatred for me? Where did it come from? Why did he hate me? Why was ...